The start of something

This is another of those sitting in my inbox since forever posts that I am not sure what to do with other than just publish.

The title is so fitting to so many aspects of my life though. I am always aware that I am at the 'start of something'. Sometimes I don't think I even know what that something is, I just know that it is something.

Anyway I am starting to ramble and since I have already done that once today I will refrain from any more. It is Tuesday and I have blogged and while I haven't for a while I am a bit excited to be joining in with #IBOT

It was hot and sticky.  The air thick and heavy.  The weather man said it might rain but what would he know?  He was only guessing anyway.  They all were. No one could predict the weather on a regular basis nor any other of life's daily events.  Apparently that was half the fun.  The unpredictability and uncertainty of it all, that was what was meant to keep people going.  Sure spontaneity and surprise had it's advantages but sometimes there was nothing better than a guarantee in life.  Of course these are few and far between but that is what makes them so great.  They are worth the wait.

If you waited long enough even the weather can be guaranteed.

In early October it is only guaranteed to rain if your car windows are down or your washing out.  This becomes void though if it is done on purpose.  Mind you the way the air hung so still there was no chance of rain tonight even if she had forgotten to get the washing in. Assuming of course she had actually managed to put a load on and hung it out.

It had been another long day.  Yet nothing was really accomplished.  She seemed to wade through life without ever touching the bottom or even the sides for that matter.  She certainly wasn't complaining though.  After all no one but herself was the master of her destiny.  Not even the fairies.  Sure they could lead her in the right direction but the choices to make were all her own.

Time and time again she had wished for them to just be able to tell her which choice to make but they never did. Nor would they ever.  It was always the same old answer.  "You must choose yourself, follow your heart"

How was she ever supposed to follow her heart when quite often her head was in disagreeance?

She got up.  Peeling her back from the plastic chair as she did.  How was it possible to sweat so much in such a short period of time?  She had only been sitting outside a few moments and already the sweat was pouring out of her like a leaky tap.

It had been nearly 170 days since it last rained.  Her body longed to feel the cool wet drops rain again.  Surely it wouldn't be to far away now.  It was a little late this year but not yet long overdue. They had gone much longer without rain before.  The year of '73 saw 203 days without rain.  When it did finally come though it didn't stop for a week.

Looking back and moving on

I had thought that yesterday's post would have been enough to get me through today. I thought that I had dumped enough of my feelings enabling me to sail through today almost oblivious to what it marked.

Apparently I could not have been more wrong.

Thanks to Facebook and it's lovely 'you have memories from today' feature I was swiftly reminded of all the pain and sadness I have felt on this day over the last six years. Of course some might say that is what I get for checking Facebook before removing myself from the comfort of my bed but whatever.

So much sighing.

Proving that I really am a glutton for punishment that quite possibly wants to wallow in a pool of my own tears once I had finished torturing myself with my heartbreaking Facebook memories I trawled through the archive of my old blog to see what I had to say about it all over there.

The thing that I really love most about blogging is the record that it gives me. All the moments in time that I manage to capture and freeze for all eternity. Even on the saddest of days.

Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about my writing and my blogs and what I want from it all and where I think it will go. Sadly a part of thinks the answer is nowhere.

As much as I may have a way with words and a story to tell, it is quite possibly not something that will ever be seen by the masses. And I think for the first time in a long time, possibly even ever, I am ok with that.

I haven't given up completely on the notion I will one day be a published author, just the notion that this space will break the internet, because it won't. This space is for me. For me to reminisce, to make sense of my thoughts, to save for years to come.

With that in mind here the collection of all the other posts I have written on this day. 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2013, 2014. My mind is going into overdrive trying to work out what made me not write in 2010 and why the posts from 2013 actually talk about it June rather than now. My guess is that my grief in June was so great that by October I had figured I had gone on about it all enough.

With my new found attitude towards blogging, which will hopefully see me writing more, I have decided to step down from #teamIBOT. Unfortunately the last few months commenting on other people's blogs has felt somewhat of a chore. Which is not the way that it should be.

I want to get back to leaving a comment because the post touched me in some way not because I feel obligated. I just don't have it in me anymore to be the old blogging me that commented all over the place in the hope people would come by and do the same. I want readers who want to be here to see what I have to say rather than dropping by on account of some implied obligation to return comment love. This also means that I will not be joining in linkies (well after today) or hosting Thankful Thursday anymore.

Joining in with Jess for the last time for a bit and hoping that you will still keep popping by once in a while.

I will make them come, the words that is.

As another Monday night slowly slips on by I am rather thankful to have had my laptop gently resting on my lap. While I may not have managed to get out any words as yet it has done a fantastic job of warming me up. It is fair to say the novelty of winter is wearing off.

When last we met I mentioned how the words are not exactly coming easy to me. They still aren't but I refuse to just walk away. I really want to be a writer. I want my words to make a difference. To me and possibly even those that do not know me.

I know that I said life hasn't really been tough lately, but it has. Sure my tough is not as tough as what I know others are doing it, which is why I tried to dismiss it as not being tough, but at the end of the day it is all relative.

Most of my toughness revolves around Lovely. She manages to challenge me in ways I never imagined possible. These challenges often leave me feeling somewhat shattered and even broken. Not to mention like a complete failure as a parent.

Since I am trying to move away from the whole parent blogging thing none of it are things I want to discuss here. Which is kinda sucky because if I don't discuss things here I don't really have anywhere to discuss things. Tis a sad and lonely life I lead at times.

Actually in all seriousness though I have realised that my shortage of people to discuss things at length with is probably related to my inability to make the words come out here. Before when I was regularly talking to a wide range of people, especially one or two that were fellow bloggers, ok so just the one really but whateves, my inclination to write was a lot higher.

The thoughts that flowed through the chasms of my mind seemed to stick around long enough to actually turn into coherent words. Whereas now, my interaction with fellow adults is so limited on account of still not really knowing anyone all my thoughts seem to bounce on by before I have the chance to work out exactly what they may mean.

The weirdest part of all of this is that I never before realised my need to talk to people. In fact, I had always thought I was somewhat of a recluse but perhaps not.

Anyway for now all that matters is I have rambled on long enough for this to be a blog post. A blog post that can be published on a Tuesday so I can join in with all the fun and games of IBOT with EssentiallyJess. Yay!

Diving on in

Well as of today it is official. 

A Parenting Life is no more. 

Well it it technically still is still open for viewing but I will no longer be posting there. From here on in all new posts will appear here. Which is a bit exciting, and a little scary.

It is exciting because a fresh start is always exciting. It is a little bit scary because I have not had a chance to set up everything here just like I would like to. Mind you after nearly three months of waiting to set things up just right I am starting to wonder if I would ever actually get around to it.

So here I am, with things not quite right. 

Instead they are a little rough around the edges and not anything like perfect. Much like myself. Which I guess is in many ways incredibly fitting.

So here we are. 

A brand new blog just waiting to be filled with all my words of wisdom.

Sadly though my words of wisdom have been failing me of late. As I mentioned a little while ago back on APL, I have been struggling to come to terms with some of the changes we have been faced with lately which has in turn meant my words have slowed.

Sigh.

I am hoping though that has all come to an end now though. 

Mind you if I keep trying to blog while watching TV that may possibly never happen. Mr Awesome thoughtfully decided to cancel our Netflix subscription on account of being able to access Presto free for six months via our new fang dangled Telstra T Box. Which may on some levels sound particularly cool on account of being able to watch Presto without it counting towards our monthly download limit but since Presto doesn't have How I Met Your Mother it is actually quite a let down.

Since I haven't been able to continue with my How I Met Your Mother marathon I decided to begin a My Name is Earl marathon. Well not at marathon as such but more a it is late at night and I need some background noise situation. I (wrongly) thought that My Name Is Earle would not be a distraction to my writing on account of already having seen so many episodes.

As much as I may have watched so many episodes in the past, I had forgotten how much the show warmed my heart.

It probably comes as no surprise that I love the idea of doing things to right wrongs and making life better whenever you can. There really are so many lessons to be learnt from such shows. Lessons that if it wasn't ridiculous o'clock at night I would possibly be able to go into more detail. 

However it is crazy o'clock on Tuesday morning and I have blogged so I can share with all the #IBOT gang

Brain emptying done wrong

This image, of flood plains out at Kakadu, has very little to do with anything in the post, I just like it. A lot.

I have been sitting here (not here as in the above image, just here as in my lounge) with the laptop open on my lap for nearly forty five minutes now. I had a scroll through the Bidding Wars page to see if there were any bargains I needed to bid on. There wasn't but it took quite a time to decide that.

From there I went and had a quick look to see if there was anything of interest in my newsfeed. There wasn't. Sarah over at Move Fuel Love, had shared a photo of Darwin sunset and the current temperature. It made me want to stab her eyeballs just a little.

It rained for 30 seconds this morning in Darwin and at almost 8pm it's currently 28C. BUT the sunsets sure are pretty  This is Winter in the Top End.

Posted by Move Fuel Love on Monday, 15 June 2015

Not only was the sunset amazing, as Darwin sunsets so often are, but at nearly 8pm it was still twenty eight degrees. Twenty eight god dam degrees!!! The only way I can even get close to such a delightful warmth is if I have the air con cranking up that high.

Oh how times change.

There once was a time when I had the air con cranking at eighteen degrees because I so desperately wanted to snuggle under a doona. Now I have it as high as I can, which actually happens to be only twenty six degrees, just so I don't have to wear five hundred layers of clothes.

It would be fair to say that winter and I are not the best of friends. I mean I do love being able to go for a run bang smack in the middle of the day and not dying from heat exhaustion but there is just a small part of me that is longing to be just a little bit warm without having to stand under scolding hot water. Because FYI it turns out that constantly showering in scolding hot water leads to a rather dry scalp which then in turn leads to dandruff.

There was no dandruff in my hair when I lived in the tropics and it bugs me insanely that my locks are constantly infiltrated with little white flakes now.

Sigh.

When I started this post, oh so long ago now, thanks to the concentration of a goldfish and being called on to go pick up the husband from hockey, I had planned on joining in with the ever so lovely Miss Cinders for her monthly emptying of the brain. Only when I went there just now I realised I completely and utterly missed the brief.

I thought (very wrongly) that it was a free association writing thing where you just sat and wrote whatever hair brain idea passed between your ears. As I have so clearly done. But it is not. Well not entirely. There are some loose statements to answer.

Double sigh.

Luckily I have more than one blog so I can pop over to APL and do it there. And even more luckily (totes acceptable grammar in the blog world btw) it is Tuesday and I have blogged so I can join in with EssentiallyJess and the IBOT gang

Blog like there is nobody reading

While some might struggle with the concept of blogging like no one is reading, for yours truly here, it is a piece of cake. There is no one reading, well next to no one. Given that this little space of mine is incredibly new and I haven't really told people about it yet it almost goes without saying that next to no one will be reading whatever I write here.

Which is actually a bit sucky because over the years I have realised that I do like to think that people are reading the various random thoughts that have managed to escape my brain and enter the wonders of the internet.

I have never been a writer that has written only for myself to read. In fact quite the contrary. I seem to only be able to write when I am under the impression my words will be read by at least someone rather than no one. Well apart from a few tormented teenage diaries that I went out of my way to ensure were never read but that was well before the internet existed.

As much as this space here is a new one for me, I have been writing on the internet for many years now. From memory, my first post is dated January 2008. While it is currently over on A Parenting Life, it was originally over at Rhianna's Random Rambles or something like that. It was never a space I felt very at home in, even though I designed and created it myself. Perhaps that was the problem though, all the headers were made by me with very little graphic knowledge and I couldn't help but feel it was gaudy and rather ugly.

Over the years though I created APL as a place I loved dearly and was incredibly at home in. Before I left on #ouradventureofalifetime last year my readership and community had peaked higher than ever before. It felt all kinds of awesome. I felt like I was connecting to people regularly and sometimes even making a difference to people thoughts and days.

Once we hit the road though blogging regularly became rather difficult. Mainly because the road we hit was in the middle of nowhere and without internet reception but also because we were just so busy living life. Mind you even when I did manage to get something up on the blog it wasn't nearly as well received as my posts were before we left. Which was the exact opposite of what I had expected to happen. Before we left I was certain that sharing our adventure would lead to even more readers than ever before. Turns out no one was overly interested in reading about how great it was escaping from normal life.

I had expected that once life returned to normality that the blog would immediately return to the state it was in before we left. Needless to say it hasn't and suddenly it no longer feels like home. Which makes me a little sad. I had thought the answer was to be found here at Rhianna Writes because that is such a cool name but sadly that hasn't been the case, well at least it has not been the case yet but in all fairness it is still incredibly early days.

More than anything I want to be a writer. And have done so for as long as I can remember. It is the whole reason I started blogging. A platform to make myself feel like a writer.

There was a time when I was actually paid to write articles and have them published online. It wasn't a lot of money but it was enough to make me feel like a real writer.  They were mainly parenting related articles because I had read somewhere that you should write about what you know. As a stay at home mum I felt I knew little else than parenting. Which is how I came about the name A Parenting Life.

Even though I am still a stay at home mum and my life revolves around parenting it is not a topic I want to exclusively. Mainly because as I delve deeper into the teenage years I find myself less sure of what I am doing and therefore not in a position to write about parenting unless it is how to do it badly. Which is again one of the reasons I though Rhianna Writes might be a good idea.

One of the biggest things I have learnt over my time as a blogger though is that it is imperative to comment on other blogs. Which is perhaps where I have fallen down over the last twelve months. Something that I hope to get back now that life has settled back down a little.

With that in mind I think this is a perfect place to end this post, it was inspired by Raychel who has founded Blog Exchange and since it is Tuesday and I have blogged I am joining in with EssentiallyJess for IBOT so there may well actually be a chance this post will get read. Also joining in with Kristy for I must confess